A Tricky Transition: Parent/Child Relationships in College

Changes can create a rocky family environment

11 important tips for students

By Scott Van Dorn

When do children become adults?

Eighteen when the law says so? Twenty-one when they can drink? Twenty-two when they finish college and move out?

The line is blurred. So blurred, in fact, a new term has arisen describing people of this age: emerging adults.

Too many children think they are adults. Too many adults their maturing offspring are still children.

Courtesy of Google Images

It is a balancing act in every parent/child relationship, and the transition into adulthood is one of the toughest situations to handle.

“It’s a tough struggle on both sides,” family counselor Val Padgett said. “Families who pull it off well somehow found a way to do that in the context of loving each other.  Parents give their children two enduring gifts, one is roots the other is wings, but the serious conflicts emerge when the parents and the kids have different concepts about how fast and what direction the independence should proceed.”

A 2007 study in the Journal of Family Psychology focused on this issue. The article, titled, “If You Want Me to Treat You Like an Adult, Start Acting Like One!” attempted to identify some of the basic problems in these relationships. The study interviewed 392 unmarried college students and at least one of their parents.

Results showed that one of the basic problems is that there was a “disagreement between children and their parents in the emphasis they placed on various criteria for adulthood.” That “findings suggest that parents and children view the transition to adulthood differently, which might have implications for the parent-child relationship during this period of development.”

11 important tips for students

Communication

College is a time when children are thrust into a world of freedom and responsibility. It is a time when many of their worldviews will be created and destroyed.

These changes can often cause problems within families.

“Your job is to pull away from family and it’s a difficult transition,” Padgett explained.

One major issue is communication. It is important for a child to keep in touch with parents on a regular basis.

Steffany Bane, a co-author of Doors Open on Both Sides, a book that deals with this stressful period in family relationships, gives some advice to the emerging adult.

“It is difficult to realize how important it is to our parents that we keep in touch,” Bane writes. “They have little control over what you do while you’re at school, so it won’t hurt to take a moment to call and tell them how you are doing.”

Open communication of all the details in a college students’ life, however, can sometimes lead to problems.  Sometimes parents become too worried to act in a helpful manner.

“Once you unload your problem on your parents they will worry about it even more than you do,” Bane said. “Whether we like it or not, our parents take on our problems, and it’s sometimes difficult for them to let go.”

And the communication goes both ways. Students tend to judge their parents more once they have become more separated from them.

One New Jersey parent who has two daughters in college, Marylu DiBisceglie, experienced this problem.

“Communication at times is difficult,” she said. “My children jump to conclusions often about my life choices; they often listen to negative people in their life or to someone who does not agree with my choices; all this affects our relationship.”

Padgett said students and parents must be flexible and prepared to work through this type of situation.

“Sometimes the communication pattern shows differences in values and beliefs,” she said. “And at some point you may just have to acknowledge that those differences are real and you may not resolve the tension between them. And then it comes down to the matter of figuring out a way to peacefully coexist.”

Control

The main issue regarding the parent’s perspective is dealing with the sudden loss of control as best as possible.

This can cause the most problems from the student’s perspective.

“My father tried to impose the same rules on me he had when I was 16,” said one student who preferred to remain anonymous. “He even tried to tighten some of the rules. It created a lot of arguments because we were so far away.”

Padgett said parents and students must understand the shift of the parental role.

“What you need are permeable boundaries,” she said. “Boundaries that make the child feel safe but also have doors in them.”

“You have to be realistic about what you can enforce. You can tell your students whatever you want about how you want them to behave, but you’re not here. It’s partly practical things that I talk to parents about. Don’t try to be the authority over things that you don’t have the authority over.”

Laura Walker, a parent/child relationship specialist from BYU and one of the authors of “If You Want Me to Treat You Like an Adult, Start Acting Like One!” has tried to find some answers to the problem. She’s learned through her studies that anything that can be interpreted as ‘controlling’ can be very damaging.

“So far, what we have found is that emerging adults benefit when their parents remain involved, but not too involved,” she said. “The least effective type of parenting during this age is authoritarian parenting, or very controlling and hostile parenting. It’s associated with all sorts of negative outcomes for the emerging adult children.”

Walker said parents need to aim for authoritative parenting and avoid the authoritarian approach.

“We have found that authoritative parenting seems to be the most effective during this time period,” she said. “So lots of warmth/support and autonomy, but also high and realistic expectations.”

This chart compares the characteristics of the two main styles of parenting

Students who were interviewed for this story noted that the best relationships are often the ones where the parent has released some control.

“They realize they don’t have control over me,” Elon Junior Mike Kleinman said of his family, “And unlike high school, they think it’s normal not to have to control a 20-year-old and are somewhat okay with it.”

Another Elon student offered a similar opinion.

“I think being in college on my own and out of the house under my parent’s supervision has trigger a sort of release in their minds,” said the student, who also chose to remain anonymous. “They don’t have direct control over me anymore, so they figure that my mistakes are my own. Even when I was arrested last year, sure they were angry, but they couldn’t and didn’t do anything about it. I was in more trouble the first time they found me drunk in high school, no cops involved.”

Padgett has some tips for parents who want to be authoritative.

“Don’t say, ‘you have to do this,’ but instead say, ‘Have you considered such and such?’ Or something like, ‘I’m not telling you what do to, but I’d like you to think about,’” she said. “It’s certainly ok for parents to have opinions, but they shouldn’t expect them to follow the advice all the time.”

Safety

It is important for the child to understand that most of the parental concern comes out of the desire to keep him or her safe and happy.  Students should reassure their parents to minimize the amount of worrying.

For relationships to work however, the child must also assume a level of responsibility for their own behavior – to act like an adult in order to be treated like one.

“It’s not so awful to be over-indulgent from time to time as long you don’t cross a certain line,” Padgett said. “You have to learn that you’re human and have limits – you can’t just do whatever you want.”

The counselor says there is a line of concern parents should try not to cross as well. They must understand that it is important for an emerging adult to make certain decisions.

“You’ve done a good job of raising them for 18 or 20 years now,” Padgett said. “Expect that most of the time they are going to make good choices. Occasionally they’re going to screw up, but we all do sometimes – that’s part of the process of learning”

Margo E. Bane Woodacre, the other author of the book Doors Open on Both Sides and mother of Steffany Bane, offers some tips for concerned parents for spotting serious problems.

“Be aware of ‘signals’ of unusual behavior from your child,” she writes. “Look for hints of chronic homesickness or persistent avoidance of communication from your child. If unusual behavior is sensed, arrange to get help through the proper college channels.”

Lasting Effects?

Sometimes rifts between parents and children during the college years remain long after commencement.  It pays to care for this tender relationship so transitional problems are resolved.

Some find ways to make it work.

“We learn from our mistakes, both parent and child,” New Jersey parent Mary Kuczynski said. “People young or old mature at different age. We just have to wait this out.”

Some do not.  DiBisceglie spoke from experience and disappointment.

“These problems started in college and have continued,” she said about one of her daughters. “And will probably continue in the future.”

Padgett believes that successful future relationships are actually more dependent on the relationship in general, not entirely dependent on the transition.

She said there is a mutual understanding that needs to occur during the transition, however, to forge a successful relationship. The best relationships come when both sides analyze their actions and begin to compromise.

“Think about your most recent conflict with (your parents),” Padgett said as advice to students. “And then see what parts of it were yours that you might tweak a bit.”

Stephanie Dowrick writes in her book Choosing Happiness about a parents’ best approach to reach their children.

“They benefit from being loved fiercely and unconditionally; accepted and cherished for who they are; listened to with interest and spoken to with respect.”

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